What happened to Beauty & the Beast?

I woke up to 3 missed calls, 5 text messages and the burning urge to light someone's house on fire this morning. I got home from work after a Monday night from HELL (where I saw said person whom I missed all of the technological communication efforts from) at close to 2am. I repeat.. 2am, Monday night from hell. I had to be out of bed for fasted cardio and to get my full day of catching up with the rest of my life after my weekend playing Hooters Girl, at 6:30am. For all you health nuts out there about to tell me I don't get enough sleep "you need it to grow" - "you're going to get sick" .. Pipe the fuck down, don't you think I know that? But I made $1300 in 4 days by slinging margaritas and "OMG"ing to men, women and recently, teenaged boys in town for a baseball tournament. Hate on it. 

I swear I'm getting to the point of this post in a moment.. 

So all of that being said, I was in bed around 2:15 passed out in half my uniform still by 2:16am. I was rudely awakened by my obnoxiously loud alarm clock, which you can witness the purchase and usage of on my Instagram its quite entertaining, at 6. Anyone out there questioning why the need for the obscene hour, I'll put this into perspective.. I have since then done 30 minutes on the stair master, a small back work out and a second round of cardio. I will later go help at CrossFit if necessary and get a WOD in, and return to the gym for quads and glutes. I will eat six times, meal prep, do laundry, attempt to clean my room, return emails, and work with a client later at another local gym. There are only so many hours in a day people. 

So here is the point to my frustratingly long already post.. If you were a man, whom a female with a schedule as listed above, that has also made you fully aware of her diet, lack of time, lack of sleep, and really, lack of give a damn about anything but winning her show in September.. And you are getting ANY ounce of her time - drinking at her bar and she's paying you more attention than anyone else, on her only night that she doesn't have to be up ridiculously early spent some time with you and your friends drunk asses, wouldn't you be counting your lucky stars and enjoying that? Or would you show up repeatedly, stay until close prolonging the time that it takes her to shut her bar down, demand to spend time with her the next day when she has informed you of how busy she is in the next 24 hours, text and call into the wee hours of the morning, and harass her for "losing her phone" quite frequently. And if you picked option two; take a fucking hint and go attempt to give someone else your great balls of firey passion. Because I'm not buying Stockholm Syndrome today. 

When attempting to date a fitness girl, and more specifically a figure girl on prep, it is easy to think of her just in it to lose a few pounds and prance on stage for a day and act as if she magically turns back into a boring pumpkin at midnight. False my dear aspiring Prince Charming. We are usually aiming for a show bigger than the one we are prepping for now, and rebounding for that following show will require even more will power than prepping for this first one. Our schedule will not suddenly open back up because you call when it's easy for you or when you're free. In fact the idea of how much free time you have and the junk food and alcohol you consume infuriates me because I cannot partake with you. Yes, we have the fact that crown and gingerale is our favorite drink in common, but your putting down enough for both of us is not a panty dropper.. 

So my ideal situation, if I were interested in dating someone right now, and even if I did have the time to let someone take me to a dinner and I could eat said dinner.. And a few helpful hints to men in general.. Are as follows. 

10. Lift more than me. 

9. Feel the undying urge to talk about it constantly. But let me brag about mine too. We can both be badasses I promise. 

8. Appreciate and love and need your time at the gym the same if not more than I do. It keeps me sane, you must fully be aware that when you drive me crazy I will be taking it out on some iron pretending its your head. And yes I'm okay with you doing the same when I'm a carb depleted bitch. 

7. Have a job that you don't hate, preferably that you love. Or have a hobby, preferably a fitness related one. 

6. If I don't answer your calls or texts send one semi sarcastic message about it and drop it. I will get back to you and I'm more likely to do so if you're not blowing me up. I get one notification just as much as I get 5. And I have an iPhone so it just shows up "The Asshole who Keeps texting .... Text Message ... (5 messages)". Not five separate times. 

5. Cool it on the "you make me smile" - "you're too good looking for me" - "you're beautiful" and any other emotional or alcohol induced comments. Just stfu. I hear that from every other wasted mother fucker at my job. It means nothing. A little goes a long way. 

4. If your friends or your athletes on your 18 and under baseball travel team that you COACH are telling you to stop texting me, put down the booze and shut off your phone.. And go step on a floor full of Legos. A lot. 

3. When wanting to date a figure girl, or female dedicated to anything health & fitness related.. Dinner or drinks are probably not the best opener when asking her out. Try something active. Like mini golf, bowling, a beach day, hiking if you're not fortunate enough to live in Florida or even better, California. 

ADDITION: after contemplating the above statement and getting an inquiry to hang out "on my time" I responded with I'm not done with the gym until around 9 or 10 I really can't.. To which they replyed, "I'll bring movies.. You pick!" And for another guy I've hung out with only a handful of times I quite frequently get "I just want to hang out and cuddle but apparently that's too much to ask!"  I'm yes! It is! We may have some varying degree of sexual chemistry or even tension but that does not mean that when I get home and shower & get everything done I need to at night I want to worry about staying up to watch a movie or cuddle with you in my bed when my body temperature is still through the roof after my day of sweating my ass off. And if you think I'm driving to you just to get up before the crack of dawn leaving you sleeping peacefully in your bed.. Suck a dick. 

2. In addition to that, remember the following quote, "When you look at the athlete in this picture you only see the end result. He got where he is through hard work. In the morning. Late at night. All day long. It's what you can't see that really matters. The will to continue. The fuel that drives. The mind that pushes his body again and again. The outside only shows the final chapter, but the story gets told from within. " You are only seeing the girl that gets on stage. The girl in pictures we show you. My goals go much further than that. The next show and the next one and the next one fuel my fire every day. My passion for what I want is much stronger than that double short I just poured you. The speed trap you're attempting to place on my highway of a life is vastly more annoying than it is a turn on to me right now. You don't see the blood, sweat, tears, money, meetings with coaches, work outs, cardio sessions, four hour meal preps, stressful water weight gains, 2 gallons of water being taken in, peeing every 20 minutes, full work schedule, and sacrifice we make. You just see a hot buff girl. 

1. Be a sexy man beast. Because every beautiful badass bitch needs one. 

Progress progress progress! 7 weeks out. Keep calm & live savagely my friends! 

Twitter @magen_wooley

&&

Instagram @magenmaria

Caution: porn ahead, of the food type.

I have been getting a lot of questions about how I've been eating and how many calories I take in, macros, water, cardio, training.. Basically my life as a figure competitor has drawn a lot of curiosity. When I first started, before meeting my incredible coach and training partners, I did a lot of google searching trying to figure out the science behind building muscle and losing fat the way the girls I see in competitions or on Instagram do. I knew there was just no way they just "ate clean" and "trained dirty". I go hard at the gym and at CrossFit and I lost some weight and my quads were a force to be reckoned with but I definitely didn't look like Michelle Davis or Dana Lynn Bailey. I was bound and determined to figure out what "macros" were, how to really make the abs everyone said were created in the kitchen and become cheddar.. Of the shredded kind. 

When I met Brian, my sensei of a coach, the first thing he did was turn my paleo world upside down and take fruit away from me. "Too much sugar!" he kept saying. Since then my life just keeps changing weekly to shock my system and keep my body guessing. Judging by how my body reacts at our weekly meetings, Sensei Brian gives me a new meal plan every other week. My vitamins and supplements have remained fairly consistent with the exception of creatine and leucine levels. 

So due to my lack of being able to find what I deemed an acceptable answer to my "how do those bitches do it?!" diet questions.. I hereby give you my 10 rules of becoming a she wolf from a foodie perspective. 

10. Drink enough water. Yeah yeah yeah, how much water though? My coaches answer was exactly this.. Drink more than a gallon? Awesome! Drink less? I chop your pinky toes off. 

9. Quit the fruit. If your goal is to get as lean as the girls you see in those Nike Pro ads, lay off the bananas. Quit with the "an apple a day.." bullshit. Sugar is sugar and sugar turns to fat. Vitamins will keep the doctor away..

8. Take your vitamins. No. Not Gummies for overgrown children. I take numerous Women's Multivitamins a day. Vitamin C, E and Fish Oil. Glucosamine. Calcium Citrate. CoQ10. ZMA before bed. 

7. Become the Jolly Green Giant. Eat every green veggie you can get your hands on. Including lettuce. Spinach, asparagus, broccoli, brussel sprouts, green beans, kale, collards, just do it! And steam them or sauté them in coconut oil or grassfed butter. Yes that's what I cook with. That's it. My other fat comes from almonds! 

6. Eatcha proteins fools! Don't be scared of red meat just be sure it's lean cuts of grassfed antibiotic free stuff! Chicken breasts also antibiotic free. Eggs and egg whites. Salmon. Ground turkey. These will be your best friends. Your portions will vary and it depends on your body so telling you how much I eat will do you no good. But I can tell you I do 4 meals a day of these proteins with green veggies or on a salad. My other protein is whey and casein (before bed) and cottage cheese. 

5. Start loving mustard. Spicy brown and Dijon with low sodium levels will make love to your plate. That and "less than 1g of sugar per serving salsa". Keep it simple. You're eating for fuel remember? 

4. Carbs are a hard thing for me to address because when I'm cutting I have very little and when I do they are post cardio and post work out. Gluten free oats and sweet potato or jasmine rice. White rice is more quickly digested than brown. Yep you heard me. 

3. Coffee. It's a natural fat burner. And it wakes your ass up! My coach allowed me 1tsp of heavy whipping cream per large cup until recently when it became "go time" for my prep. 

2. Truvia. All you "anti artificial sweetener" assholes hush. It is 0 calories. Comes the stevia leaf and it makes my coffee and oatmeal enjoyable. Suck it. 

1. Don't miss meals. Seriously all of the above is what I eat. It seems boring but it works! Just remember why you wanted this so badly. Food is fuel. And just soldie through it. Oh and any Mrs Dash salt free seasoning and Molly McButters cheese sprinkles. You're welcome. 

Not there yet! But progress is being made!

Meal prep! Ground turkey and rice!

Brussels cooked in bacon and coconut oil. 

Cottage cheese, truvia, cinnamon whipped and chopped almonds. Tastes like cheesecake :)

When I was "bulking" - bacon. Vitamins and ground turkey. My lovely gallon o' wataaaaa!

Grilling chicken and ground turkey burgers. 

Broccoli, sweet tater mashed and grassfed sirloin!

Coffee. Yes really iced from dunkin, just black and I add my own tspn of heavy whipping cream and truvia and I'm good to go! 

Cage free eggs, antibiotic free and local!

Feeling Carnivorous.

After a long two weeks of being sick as a dog during prep, which I realize only body builders will understand the true magnitude of, I have a rant for everyone. You have been warned. Enjoy. Or don't. 

You're reading my blog remember?

I have been busting my ass since May 1st to prepare for a show in September. Okay, I'm going to let that sink in really quick. It's mid July, so approximately 2 and a half months of two, sometimes three - even up to four depending on how you break it down - work outs a day.. Fasted cardio, CrossFit training, weight training, meal prepping for 6 meals a day, planning the above and eating around working a full time bar tending job, juggling family and friends and weight gain and loss, clients and being 23 - for 2 and a half months.. With the end goal still 2 months away. 

Holy shit balls. If that doesn't sound like attempting to juggle crocodiles and anacondas and a steaming hot turbo shot while doing ass blasters on a smith machine style difficult.. Pardon my lack of description previously.. Because that's the level of hard work going into this on my behalf. 

So obviously when I'm tired, let me sleep. When I'm hungry, I'm HANGRY - like give me half of a cow & enough spinach to kill a small horse - hangry. When I'm sore, I'm taking the god damn elevator you "go the extra mile" assholes. When I've done 2 hours of cardio and CrossFit and chest bis and abs without carbs, fuck you don't talk to me, I'm trying not to count down the seconds until my next meal. Oh and this gum I'm chewing that you're claiming is going to make my jaw too big? It's the only thing keeping me from launching you from here to China so make like Jenna Marbles and PIPE THE FUCK DOWN! Okay you get the picture I've been taking some shit from my less than supportive peers and fellow Floridians on general. 

Okay so now before I move onto rant part two; the above was me last night before my shift at my place of employment. Yeah yeah yeah, go ahead, gawk.. Laugh whatever. I get paid to flirt with your boyfriend. Boooom. 

Do I look overly masculine to you? With the exception of the fact that I've never been particularly well endowed in the titty section - I'd go out on a limb and say no. Do I look "huge"? Again, considering some of my coworkers and the size of their uniform and AHEM - ASSets - I'm going to tell you, I'm not. That being said, I understand that it's clear that I work out, it's obvious that I am not built like your average blond hooters girl. I'm totally cool with that. But I don't need every drunk mother fucker here on vacation telling me that I can "take a day or two off of P90x or whatever you're doing!"  Oohhh really? I'll lend it to you you wasted fat fuck, I'd suggest starting immediately after finishing your 20 breaded wings drenched in ranch dressing, curly fries you're dipping in cheese like a heart attack is on your bucket list for TOMORROW, and pitcher of beer (all to yourself by the way!). 

What I'm getting at here is; there are very few good ways that people, with KNOWLEDGE of the subject they wish to comment on, can do so. A friend of mine who hasn't seen me in a while made the following comment to me, which I deemed appropriate and STILL added "I hope this didn't offend you I think you look amazing I'm just adding my two cents." 

Friend: "Damn girl you look solid as hell!"

Me: "Thanks, that's the goal.."

Friend: "You know there will be people once you get to the level you're aiming for who want to tempt you with PEDs to take you that extra step, but you're genetically built to put on muscle, to get big.. So just be careful because there are a lot of side effects and I don't want you to start looking masculine and shit.."

Now my friend was two pitchers deep and his girlfriend was out of town and he has just given me the up down in my hoots uniform in which my lats look baller and quads are "solid" as hell. With the exception of the last sentence I didn't even think twice about his statement. I am not, nor will I ever be, on steroids and I sure as shit will stop making 

50 SHADES OF GAAIIINNNZZZ

if and when I start noticing myself losing my favorite feminine characteristics. But like Molly, my favorite Instagram badass bitch and bodybuilder (@mo_llly) says..

"Some guys don't like muscular women.. They are intimidated, but no reason to get butt hurt over it.." Just smile politely when they make comments on your photos or in person and reply "fuck her.."  And when they ask "fuck who?" Sweetly or in my case carnivorously respond with "YOUR MOM!"

It makes me feel better. 

Lesson of the day people.. Keep your mouth shut and opinions to yourself. Everyone has a different body type, goal in sight and means to reach them. Unless you are CT Fletcher, or Dana Lynn Bailey, my coach or @mo_llly you will be savagely ripped a new asshole. No fucks will be given because you don't give one about my journey other than to rain on my parade. 

Which segues into my next blog post. The only thing worse than someone telling you your hard work looks "manly" or that you're "doing something wrong" is that jealous bitch who tries to down play what you're working your ass off to do.. Oh there's a post coming for you too girl! 

Just Say No!

Happy Weekend Everyone!

I am officially 13 weeks away from my NPC Women's Figure Show! DUN DUN DUN!!!! So without further adieu I would like to fill everyone in on my progress and lack thereof so far. Oh & if you find me on IG I got mentioned by @crossfit_girls which is probably one of the biggest highlights of my Instagram obsession because they have over 46k followers and I was featured with my roommate doing a partner deadlift which was just a lot of fun!

I am officially swole. Like we are talking TyrannosaurusFLEX strong. I weigh 140lbs (I know woahhh mind blown girls weigh that much?). Yes ladies and gentleman. They do. And you know what? I look pretty damn good for being this fluffy! My back is coming in pretty freaking amazingly, my quads rival most of the men around me, I out squatted (pound for pound) some of the guys at the gym the other day, and I'm conquering my fear of butterfly pull ups. I am drinking almost 2 gallons of water a day simply due to how thirsty I am.. And by thirsty I mean LAMBORGHINI MERCY YO CHICK SHE SO THIRSTY - to take my overall trophy and pro card away - BUT I'M THIRSTIER AND DRANK MORE WATER THAN HER - parched. 

Ahem; okay moving on. I eat 5 meals a day consisting if between 4 and 5oz of protein and as many greens as I want. Eating creatine like it's going out of style, popping vitamins like a fiend, my blender balls come in all colors now, and I ordered new PR wraps. And if you haven't gotten yours yet. Stop right now and go but them. Like now. 

They are the shit. Go to the website so conveniently stitched into them and, just do it okay?? They won't stink, it has been tested by the men of CrossFit Lawless (who's progress I have a blog post coming about) and your lifts will go up 100lbs. Okay that last part is bullshit but you get what I'm saying. 

Oh and moving along I drink this nasty Amazing Grass Green Superfood drink that tastes like the Hulks "you know what" but it has aided in my FIFTY SHADES OF GAINZ! So I'm down. Anyway, if you haven't understood my weird words about getting jacked look up Dom Mazzetti's 100 Ways to say Jacked and get on my gym lingo level. 

I can't believe posting this. Left, a week ago, right almost a month and a half ago. Woooop my legs are coming in and I'm leaning out. And after this weekend's cheat meal I'm on my grind until September. Thus, there will be more posts trying to get me to stay away from the nasty foods I'll surely be craving! Stay strong my gym rat friends! And just say no to shit foods! Ain't nobody got time fo dat!

Find me on twitter @Magen_Wooley 

&

Instagram @magenmaria

Rise & Grind!

IT'S SATURDAY BITCHES!

7:30am on Saturday, got off work early last night - wasn't bartending so it was a glorious change of pace to have the opportunity to finish some later cardio and be in bed before 1 in the morning! Texted my coach that I was meal prepping on my Friday night.. This is what I got back...

Biggest smile on my face. Like, ever. My support system through this journey, which just began a month ago, has been my saving grace. 

My coach who has built my courage from the dirt floor that certain people in my life had previously beat it down to, up, teammates some of which I just met in the last week, Martha a co worker from Hooters and former Figure Competitor who has single handedly sculpted my ass into something I never thought possible, my roommate, family, my Big Sara who has bravely taken on much of the same project I have and had the faith in my to lead HER to the body of her dreams, and one particular teammate, Chef Chrispy, who allows me to text him at any time and tell him deep dark food cravings, fat girl moments, weaknesses and also deals with my bragging about finding new muscles.. Well they have all changed this process from a job to the love of my life. My baby and a passion for the long development of my body. 

So on this beautiful, yet rainy, Saturday morning as I'm on my way to crush a WOD with CrossFit Lawless at CrossFit Salvation.. I want to take a moment to encourage everyone to get out there and try something new! You never know how incredibly MADE FOR IT you could be until you try! And that's what life is all about! Trying new things, whether it be body building, CrossFit, running, biking, climbing, walking, play dough eating or rock collecting. Just do it! And I'd also like to give a big shout out and thanks to Team No Bull Schmidt, my coach, family, Emily, Martha, Sara, and Chris. 

Okay maybe don't eat play dough.. I don't know I vaguely remember someone at some point in my life recommending against that. 

Happy Saturday! 

Sorry I'm not sorry.

I am going to post one final thing about my blog / rant about the local CrossFit community. And then we are all going to move on. Got it?

I love my community. I love where I grew up. I love the gyms here. I love every single owner whom I have had the pleasure of meeting and working for or with. I love that they are all badasses in their own right! I love that, as James commented, "we have a variety of flavors" to choose from and find what's right for you! That's in-freaking-credible! 

Yes, it stirred a lot of feelings both good and bad. Yes, I pointed out some flaws of boxes and owners. Yes, I also admitted to being flawed myself in my elitist attitude. Yes, it was MEANT to be a blatant attention grabber for those of us who forgot what brought us all together in the first place. Lifting heavy, working fast, sweating profusely.

No, it was not intended to hurt feelings. No, it was not a judgement or mean post about anyone! No, I did not scream names because to be honest, the name of a box or its owners does not aid in proving the point that I was getting at. No, I did not mention the millions of times certain box owners, whom I have spoken to since the post went out, have reached out to no avail and with no reciprocation. No, I did not list the glorious things that each and every gym has done in their countless sleepless hours putting in excruciating amounts of hard work to build the community - and by community I mean, their box as well. No, I did not mention my countless, sleepless hours either. And finally, NO, I do not care if my right to freedom of speech tarnished your rose colored view of the world.

News flash, we all have opinions. And no, not all of them are butterflies and rainbow colored. The purpose, had you read the final paragraph of the blog post in question, was to shed some light on something I have heard numerous people whisper or gossip about, but no one seems to want to make public. If your issue with my post was my CrossFit Elitist attitude I laugh at you and encourage you to read the posts that have been going up where I'm SCREAMING with excitement about my upcoming NPC Figure competition. To clarify, I have been on a treadmill, stair master and elliptical 4 days a week for a month now. Yes, even me the self proclaimed CrossFit snob does some cardio machines, uses a tricep pull down cable, does weight assisted pull-ups, I have a "hammie and calf day" - OH! And I crush some heavy snatches, kill some benchmark WODs, swing a kettlebell and hate thrusters and burpees like a proper CrossFit chick should! And even during Show Prep.. I eat Paleo. 

I digress. If you think the purpose of my post was to spread the idea of CrossFitters being better than everyone else.. You are sadly mistaken. Did that statement help me prove a point? I believe so. Given that this is my blog, that's all the evidence I needed to type and publish it. If you don't like what I write, stop reading my blog. But I assure you, given the people I have spoken to today, and the olive branches I've already seen being extended hours after being posted, and receiving comments.. I will sleep easily tonight knowing that my rant hit home for a lot of people. And a lot of the right people.. 

Sorry I'm not sorry if my attitude doesn't allow you to sleep as easily.. 

 

My Roommate and fellow CrossFit Craver's artwork on our fridge today. Rock on Chica! Love you & Thank you!

What day is it?

The day after...

HUMP DAAAYYYYYEEEEE! 

That's right, it's Thursday. Lots to do, doctors appointments to sit through, meals to eat, protein to consume, muscles to grow, and people to please. Are you sure it's not Wednesday still? Yes, I'm sure. But it IS my off day! And for those of you who are reading this with no care in the world about the CF politics that are currently being hashed out on previous posts, and instead are curious as to how my figure journey is going.. This one's for you, my little TyrannesaurusFLEXs! 

Off day mornings consist of waking up from my groggy, ZMA induced sleep. 

***I would like to take this moment to thank Chris Palmer, fellow Team No Bull Schmidt member, for the supplement that single handedly allowed me to sleep through the night after being cracked out on my pre workout.***

I then pack my free bodybuilding.com "You Spent Way Too Much Money - here's a free gift" duffle bag, drink a glass of the most disgusting "Amazing Grass Super Food Drink", take my early am vitamins, drink my coffee, grab my binder full of my daily routine as per my coach and off I go! Where you ask? To CrossFit. I've recently had to lay off of most of the strength programming due to having to "sculpt" my very wide, yet very strong DAMMIT, core. So I go, row for about 25 minutes, usually racking up about a 6k and join the rest of my kool aid drinking homies for the WOD. Which I've also recently had to modify due to a pinky injury (go ahead laugh)... 

Still laughing, jerks? Severed the tendon and ruptured both ligaments. Try doing a butterfly pull-up, snatch or kettlebell swing with that! Ha! It's a skill in itself! 

Anyway, today I'll go do the WOD, a 7 minute AMRAP of 10 WBS and 20 Double Unders.. Pinky injury be damned I will crush this work out. Then I'll go to my hand doctor appointment, eating some form of cold ground turkey and veggies on the way, then head to my lovely AnyTime Fitness do get some badass form of globo cardio queen-ness in before noon. Here's to overcoming injuries, training smarter and THEN harder.. And turning into SHREDDED CHEDDAR for my first show in 14 weeks! And here's to it being past HUMP DAY baby!